The Plan: Hitsugaya Toshiro
by Jesrever
Summary: One fine day, Matsumoto Rangiku thought of A Plan. This plan consisted of getting her captain drunk and taking A LOT of photos of him, all for the general public's viewing in the Sereitei Bulletin. What will happen? How does he act while drunk? Find out!
1. The Birth Of The Plan

_Hi people. It's me :) so this is going to be a kind of mini-series, where there will be short stories about all the ruckus caused by this Sereitei Bulletin guyspread. (No, guyspread is not a real word.) Anyway, I don't own Bleach and everything so enjoy!_

_OR ELSE._

_ LOL._

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><p><strong><span>CHAPTER ONE: THE BIRTH OF THE PLAN<span>**

'TAAAICHOOOOOO!' Matsumoto Rangiku, the most curvaceous 10th Division Vice-Captain in history, burst through the aboveformentioned 10th Division office doors as she called out her chibi-taicho's name. Said chibi-taicho twitched an eyebrow but did not comment. He was already too used to her antics, but decided to question her tardiness anyway.

'Matsumoto, you were supposed to be in here four hours ago. What in the world could you possibly have being doin-'

'Taichoooo, whydoncha everrr get drrrrunkkkkk?' She slurred, the words coming out as a jumbled mush.

She had crossed over to his desk and currently sat on it, completely invading the white-haired captain's personal space. He could already guess what she had been doing the past four hours, or, by the smell of her breath, probably the past eight hours instead. The wretched smell of alcohol was reeking off her like she had taken a bath _and _swam in it before storming into the office four hours late. Hitsugaya sighed inwardly and pushed her off the desk. She stumbled backwards into the couch and promptly flipped into it, closing her eyes and beginning to doze quite soundly. So soundly, in fact, that she almost didn't hear her captain's response to her drunken question.

'Because, Matsumoto, I do not like frolicking around and doing completely uncalled for actions in an embarrassing manner. And if you ever come to work four hours late again, I will tell Kuchiki-taicho to withhold sex from you.'

Okay, maybe she had heard all of it before slipping off into the unconsciousness.

'Short jerk.' She mumbled before succumbing to the welcoming arms of sleep.

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><p>Matsumoto Rangiku stirred and blinked drearily before she realised she had the <em>mother of all headaches <em>and that she needed to pee. _At that very moment._

She shot from the couch like a bullet, springing to the toilet and ignoring her protesting body, not forgetting the hornets that were currently attacking the inside of her skull. When she came back, she looked at the empty desk before her which should have held a certain cold captain and then checked the time.

It was currently 1300 hours.

_Shit._

The white-haired captain was probably out on lunch break. Frowning, she tried to recall what had happened before she had knocked out. Shiro-chan had said something about telling Byakuya to retain sex, didn't he?

_Wait, didn't she have a lunch date with Hisagi?_

The voluptuous redhead shunpo-ed out the door and towards his barracks, ingesting one of the Fourth Division's hangover pills that she always kept on her person (basically, in her cleavage) on the way. She hoped she wasn't late. She stopped at the door of his office and knocked on the door. Her 'date' promptly opened it, looking worn-out and frazzled.

It wasn't a date per se, since Rangiku was currently in a very stable relationship with Kuchiki Byakuya (she still doesn't really know how exactly she scored the most eligible ex-bachelor in Sereitei) and Hisagi Shuuhei was still trying to get the love of his life, Hinamori Momo, to notice him as more than a vice-captain or former senpai. Hisagi hadn't had any luck recently in that department, being too busy with running a magazine _and _a Division almost single-handedly.

'Ah, Rangiku-san, sorry but can we have lunch another time? Unless, of course, you don't mind eating while listening to me worry about what I'm going to run in the Bulletin's next issue.' He rubbed the back of his neck wearily and smiled, a spitting image of an embarrassed Ichigo- excluding the bright orange hair of course. Rangiku smirked. Her specialty was helping people with problems, and with her goddamned headache gone, she was ready to help her dear drinking buddy out.

'Hisagi, of course I'll still eat with you. I could give you more ideas too.' He brightened and immediately closed the office door behind him. 'You also need an energy pill, don't you.' Her insight was confirmed as he nodded, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. She rummaged around in her cleavage and pulled out the same pouch she had taken out earlier for her hangover killer, depositing a pill into his hand. Laughing as she tried to stuff it back in, they set off to Rukongai, racing each other to a good ramen stall in District 1.

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><p><strong>Meanwhile, at the 10th Division office…<strong>

Hitsugaya Toshiro closed the door behind him and allowed a small smile to grace his normally stoic features. Hinamori had unexpectedly brought a large basket of juicy watermelon to share and they had both gone to visit their Granny, dividing the watermelon between them as they embarked. they had been even better than the last ones she had brought, and good watermelon never failed to put this captain in a good mood. It always reminded him of the days he had spent with Hinamori at their childhood home, eating watermelon without a care in the world.

Looking around the office and noticing it devoid of a certain lieutenant of his, his happy mood abruptly darkened.

'MATSUMOTOOOOOOOOOO!'

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><p>The cry reverberated around Sereitei and even reached Rukongai, where the person in mention looked around sheepishly.<p>

'I think Shiro-chan has just noticed my absence.' Rangiku grimaced and ducked into the small ramen store with Hisagi, taking a seat next to him. Turning to him, she grinned like the Cheshire Cat and tried to solve his problem. 'You needed something to publish in the Bulletin, right?' Hisagi nodded and ordered two bowls of ramen for them as Rangiku thought back to the encounter with her captain this morning.

_Hitsugaya Toshiro, refusing to get drunk. Hisagi rubbing his neck like Ichigo. Byakuya withholding sex. Abarai Renji._

_Hitsugaya Toshiro. Kurosaki Ichigo. Kuchiki Byakuya. Abarai Renji. Hisagi Shuuhei._

_Who else?_

_Ikkaku? No wait, he's gay._

Hisagi watched her thought processes with a distinct furrowing of his brow. Suddenly, she jumped up and squealed. He could only imagine she had found the solution.

'Hisagi, I've got it! Post a poll for the Sexiest/ Most Handsome Vice-Captain And Captain Men! And, as a teaser, I will personally help you get the most _incriminating _photos of _The _Hitsugaya Toshiro_ DRUNK!'_ Everyone was staring, but she didn't really care. She was too busy formulating plans and strategies.

Hisagi grinned and spoke his thoughts. It took all his strength and willpower not to stand up and start whooping for joy.

'Ran-chan, I do believe you've got the best idea in the history of good ideas!'

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><p><em> <em>BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA.<em>_

_Sorry :)_

_Well what do you think? Don't hate please, I don't really care enough. If you think it was bad, tell me how to change it._

_ And come on, ByaRan is WAY CUTE._

_So, review please! I'll give you a cookie~_

_*hands cookie to potential reviewer*_

_love joy_


	2. Planning The Plan & One Failed Execution

**The Plan, Execution.**

_Hey. So it's like, 11:39PM now so I figured I should write. Yeah. I don't own Bleach and I love chocolate chip cookies without nuts. Kudos to Rainbow Fruit Loop, whose awesome story inspired this. And thanks to those who reviewed the other chapter. Review more, I have more cookies!_

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><p><strong> Planning the Plan: Getting Volunteers.<strong>

'Nanaooooo-chann!'

Matsumoto Rangiku sailed into the 8th's barracks like a queen, bent on finding the assistant captain of the 8th Division who literally ran her division single-handedly, what with its drinking captain bent on, well, _drinking_.

A new recruit of the Division looked up and started falling over himself to attend to the voluptuous woman, considerately large assets and all.

'Matsumoto-fukutaicho! Ise-fukutaicho is not here at the moment, I'm afraid she went to Kyoraku-taicho's house earlier in the afternoon muttering something about the sake budget…' he trailed off, hoping to have appeased the beauty before him. Rangiku chortled inwardly and winked at the recruit, choosing her words wisely. It was too much of a chance not to pass up, after all.

'Mah mah, Hayato-kun, its fine. I would love to talk to you later, but I need to go find Nanao. We'll have a private chat later, kay?' She thrust her hip out to the side and smiled flirtatiously. The poor _Mayato_, being on the receiving end of the smile no man dead or alive could resist, promptly passed out cold on the barracks floor. Rangiku bent over him for a while and found she couldn't hold in her laughter any longer. Of course, something like that had happened before, but each time it was funnier than the last. Contrary to popular belief though, she had only had such intimate relationships with two men.

One was Kuchiki Byakuya, and the other was Ichimaru Gin.

Her thoughts were distracted from the rather dark path they were taking by a familiar voice.

'Ne, Ran-chan, another one passed out on you again? I didn't remember asking you to knock out my new recruits.' Kyoraku Shunsui stood at the door of the barracks, smiling teasingly as he took in the situation.

'Kyoraku-san, just the man I wanted to see! Is Nanao-chan anywhere here?' Just as the question left her lips, Ise Nanao appeared at the doorway, pushing up her glasses and looking every bit the prim and elegant Shinigami she was.

Rangiku had always thought she might look good with Ishida Iryuu. Well, if Ishida wasn't a Quincy-thus hating Shinigami with a vengeance, didn't already completely love Inoue Orihime and if Nanao hadn't already found her soulmate, that is. They both pushed their glasses back up their noses at alarming rates.

'Nanao-chan, might I enlist you in a bit of childish debauchery that you would _say_ you absolutely disapproved of but would actually inwardly be more excited than a child on Christmas?'

Ise sighed at the long clumsy sentence, pushing up her glasses again, though Rangiku had not detected any change in their position in the first place. 'Rangiku, if I did not accept this proposal, which I am sure will be absolutely ridiculous, then I would not consider myself to be a good friend.'

Rangiku flash-stepped faster than a… really fast thing, and glomped Nanao with more enthusiasm than normal. She hadn't expected her to say yes, actually. But then what were friends for?

'Nanao-chan, thank you so much! I promise I'll make it up to you! Maybe I'll get Kyoraku to do paperwork, how about that?'

Nanao smirked and Rangiku saw something entirely new in her eyes. Before she could recognise it, it disappeared as quickly as it came. Was that mischievousness? 'Rangiku, I have my own ways of making him do his share of paperwork. Some aren't as innocent as you think.'

Shunsui laughed. 'Nanao-chan, haven't you wondered why I don't normally do paperwork?'

...

The tension in the room noticeably thickened. Interrupting what was most definitely going to be a death-by-glasses incident, Rangiku hurriedly changed the subject. As she explained Hisagi's predicament and her solution, Kyoraku peppered the silences with the appropriate 'oohs', 'ahhs', sighs and chuckles. After she had finished, Nanao crossed her arms and stared at her over her glasses.

'So how do I help with this?' Rangiku fidgeted nervously under her stare.

'Well, I said I would help Hisagi, but I really don't know how. I mean like, I couldn't just walk in and say, hey taicho! Wanna get drunk over the weekend? That wouldn't do at all! He might freeze me to death! Besides, I don't really have a plan for this. I was thinking you could help?'

Nanao sighed. Of course, being the reliable person she was, she had already formulated a plan with a 99% success rate (that's just how awesome she is). However, she had decided to meticulously rule out different plans anyway. The plan with the most chance of success might as well be the most obvious.

'I've got it. First, _just ask him_.'

…

Rangiku stared at her like she had lost her mind.

'The simplest plan might be the successful one. Don't forget the people of Troy weren't idiots but they still fell for a weird horse.'

'But Nanao-chan, he might kill me!' Rangiku wailed. 'I haven't really been doing paperwork lately, and he hasn't really been pleased! Besides I don't know how to go about asking him! He doesn't even look over the age limit, though he must be about 150!'

Nanao's eyes suddenly held that weird glint again. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. And he won't kill you, Rangiku. He might lower the temperature in the room, but he won't kill you.'

The two retreated to another part of the Eight to discuss strategies. Meanwhile, it dawned on Kyoraku that he could hit the bars again for at least another hour before Nanao noticed his absence, and suddenly disappeared into thin air.

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><p><strong>The next day.<strong>

Matsumoto fidgeted nervously. Thursdays were always the days with the most paperwork. For once, under Nanao's advice, she has helped out, doing as much paperwork as she was authorized to do, and then some. Toshiro had noticed of course, but attributed it to a sudden desire to work. He knew this was almost certainly not the case, but could think of no other optimistic option.

Finally, work ended. He stretched and thanked whichever god that was smiling down on him that he didn't have to work overtime. Matsumoto's suspicious helpfulness had attributed to that. At least, whatever she was up to, she had helped complete paperwork. As he looked up, he noticed her sauntering over to his desk. Maybe she would tell him now why she was acting so unbelievably out of character.

'Matsumoto…'

The white-haired captain had tried to start with a warning tone. Unfortunately, Rangiku didn't realise under the nerve-wracking circumstances. She was too worried about how he might react to her proposition. She might get fired for insubordination! Or, even worse, be forced to do more paperwork! She didn't like it one bit, even if she was somewhat competent at it.

With Hitsugaya Toshiro, who knew? He was a child prodigy. Nanao had assured her he wouldn't kill her, but even after all these years Rangiku could not differentiate all of his mood swings.

'Taicho, it's been quite a long day. Do you wanna hit the bars with me? Since its Thursday, I'll expect Kyoraku to be down there, along with others you might know, like Kira, Ikkaku, 12th's third seat, and Hisagi.'

He sighed. Didn't anyone notice he didn't particularly like drinking? The first time he had drunk anything, it was with Hinamori, to celebrate his captaincy. The bouncer had almost tried to stop him, even with the white haori on his back.

There had been a free-for-all entry to the bar that night, on account of the frozen bouncer and a cold new captain.

The drink had burned his throat and he had thought it revolting but still drunk an extreme amount as an experiment anyway. He hadn't gotten drunk at his 30th glass of sake, even with Hinamori passed out at the 10th. It was probably one of those weird ice-wielder perks.

'No.'

'But taicho…' She felt the whine creeping up into her voice. Nanao said this might have a possibility of working, and she'd be damned if she did it half-assedly, even with the unpredictable threat of her taicho looming over her.

'No. You can go till tomorrow if you want, but I won't ever drink voluntarily, and that's final.'

Seeing her chance, Matsumoto took it.

'So I don't need to call in tomorrow? Thanks taicho! You're the best taicho ever!' She hurriedly glomped her white-haired midget and flash-stepped out of the office before he had the chance to process what she had said. Watching from the outside window, Rangiku stifled a giggle as her captain looked around the room, processed her absence, and drew in a deep breath.

'MATSUMOTOOO!'

She laughed and flash-stepped toward her favourite bar, sending a hell butterfly to Nanao to report the half-failure. At least she wouldn't need to go in tomorrow.

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><p><em>Hmmm… it's the next morning, 4.15, and I've finished this! Yay!<em>

_My apologies for any OOC-ness from the bottom of my heart. Okay, I've said my part, now all of you do yours. Basically, REVIEW! _

_Please?_

_I have free unicorns for the first 5! And a PM!_

_Love JOY/Jesrever~_


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